Kyou Kara Wack!
by awfullybad
Summary: What do you get when you twist Kyo Kara Maou into a crazy, random, OCC comedy where anything and everything can and will happen? Why, you get this crackfic, of course; Expect the insane.
1. Insanity Starts Here

**{ **Dont come here expecting a well written, deep plotted, powerful, romantic fanfiction. This is not any of those. This is a **crackfic**. Yes, it will contain major OCCness. Yes, it will be random. Yes, it will have profanity and sexual content. Yes, it will contain slash. No, it will not be explicit. This is meant to be _funny. _Nothing more and nothing less_. _If you can't handle that then please do not read this fanfiction. For everyone else, enjoy. ;3

**SPOLIER WARNING;**

Contains spoilers up to the last episode.

* * *

'_Oh my god, I love baseball. Just watching the ball fly across the field gets me hot.._' Yuuri thought to himself. '_Watching someone make a home run gets me so hard..._' Before Yuuri could stop himself, he found his hand traveling down towards his crotch.

"Yuuri!" The door to the bedroom slammed open and Wolfram stormed in.

Yuuri gasped and pulled his hand up from his pajama bottoms. He threw the television, which Annissina had created and appropriately labeled "Reason-Why-America-Is-Fat-Not-Including-McDonalds-kun", off the bed.

"We're having a wedding!" Wolfram, who always sounded mad due to a psychological disorder given to him at birth due to his mother's unrestricted sexual habits--and now I'm starting to wonder why anger is linked to having a slutty mother--growled.

"Waa? I'm not gay, though," Yuuri insisted. "I know that we're engaged, that we sleep in the same bed, that we have an adopted daughter, and that every single guy in this show is gay for me, but I'm seriously straight!"

"Yuuri, Big Shimaron is planning on attacking us. Again. For the 23rd time this week."

"The bitches."

"Yes, but if you marry me, they decided they will call off the war."

"Really!" Yuuri shouted excitedly. "That's great! See? Violence solves nothing! We can all be happy and friendly and it will definitely bring world peace! Yay love! Let's hug some trees, Wolfram!"

"Oh, I was lying about the whole thing," Wolfram said quickly, fretting the hugging of trees.

Yuuri started at him.

"...SEIBAI!" He shouted dramatically, thrusting an open fist towards the blond.

Wolfram flew across the room, through the open doors and landed smack into the wall.

Yuuri gasped.

Conrad happened to be walking by and he noticed the scene. Standing in the doorway, he turned to Yuuri.

"Heika.....he deserved it."

&&&

Meanwhile, Ken was having some issues at the temple.

"But...it's been so long," Ulrike pleaded.

"I'm sorry, I can't," Ken replied nicely.

"I never get sex, though. I've been down here for over 800 years...! Do you know what I've had to do to satisfy my sexual needs?"

"...I don't know if I want to find out."

"It's because of _him_, isn't it?" Ulrike pressed.

Ken narrowed his eyes. "Don't drag him into this--"

"Geika, Shinou's been dead for over 3000 years. It's time for you to move on!"

"He's still here and you kno-"

"Move the hell on!!"

"Ulrike, did you just yell at me?" Ken blinked.

"Ulrike has been bad..." The small girl thing looked down. "Ulrike must punish herself..."

"That's right, you silly bitch!" Shinou said, appearing behind Ulrike.

Ulrike gasped. "Forgive me!!"

Ken rolled his eyes and smiled, "So immature, ShiShi-chan. So immature."

&&&

Gunter ran into Gwendle's office.

"Gwendle! Have you seen---" He stopped in the doorway, gazing at the horrific sight. Gwendle was knitting again, and this time, the room was filled with freaky, half animal-half demon knitted creation things.

Gwendle looked up from his current project, eyes menacing.

"Don't tell anyone. If you do I will tell my mother to give you AIDS."

"Ahaha...Of course I wo-"

"Don't you dare tell."

"...I won't."

Gwendle held out an animal with a lopsided eye and a tail that looked much like a garden hose. "Pet it."

Gunter nervously walked over to the desk. He looked at the frightening creature. "What's this one? A platypus?"

"...Cat."

"Ah! I was close..!"

"Pet it."

Gunter nervously stroked the cat, if anyone could call it that. "Very soft! Excellent work, Gwendle!" He lied.

Then a loud purring was heard.

Gunter gasped. "It purrs?"

Gwendle looked him dead in the eyes. "That wasn't the cat."

"..." Gunter was at a loss for words. "I-I'll be off, looking for Heika, now!" And he ran out of the room as fast as he could.

...

...

...

"Meow."

&&&

Later that afternoon, Wolfram convinced Yuuri to take him to Earth, so Wolfram could buy a wedding dress.

They were currently the dress store.

"Yuuri, which one should I get?"

Yuuri thought for a moment. "A white one. With red stitches along the sides."

"That's hideous!"

"I thought you'd look kind of hot in it."

Wolfram blinked. "...Someone get me that damn dress."

A gay employee frantically hopped about the store in aims to find Wolfram the dress of Yuuri's sexual, baseball fantasies.

Just then, a little girl stood by Wolfram. "You're gay, teeheehee!" She then ran off.

"The fiend!" Wolfram growled, preparing to char the girl.

"Wolfram! You can't punish her for telling the truth!"

"What is this '_gay_' she spoke of?"

Yuuri couldn't believe what he was hearing. "...Gay. You know, homo? The thing that I totally am not?"

"No."

"Well, you're it, in any case. If '_gay-and-overly-obsessive-fiancée_' was a word in the dictionary, your picture would be right beside it."

"Hmph!" Wolfram folded his arms. "I still have no idea what you're talking about."

"Means you like guys! What do they call that in Shin Makoku?"

"Nothing! That's a normal thing so it doesn't need a special name."

"...I should have known."

&&&

Yuuri had no luck at the dress shop. They couldn't find the baseball dress so Wolfram picked a dress made of pink and frills and flowers; something probably too gay for even Sara.

Feeling frustrated, Yuuri played a hot, intense game of catch with Conrad, then they both took a bath.

_In the bath..._

"Conrad, I want to ask you something."

"Yes, Heika?"

"You're half human and half Mazoku, aren't you?"

"That's right."

"Well, Murata is too, but you dont have powers and he does?"

"He can't do shit."

"He can't? But he's the Great Sage." Yuuri was perplexed.

"He is, but he can't do shit."

Yuuri looked down. "Hmm...so what's he good for, then?"

"Well, he f**ks Shinou's spirit."

"What!" Yuuri jumped up, exposing his small man junk.

"Oh, I've said too much. You probably didn't want to know that."

"Ahaha..." Yuuri laughed nervously. Conrad was only half right about the latter. "But I'm seriously surprised at Murata. He's the Great Sage. He should be able to break necks with his mind or something."

"Apparently Shinou only finds him suitable for sexual activities."

"That's...not right."

"Well, if It makes you feel any better, the Great Sage knows everything."

Yuuri blinked. "Everything?"

"Yes. Everything Shinou knows, he learned from the Great Sage."

"When you say, 'everything Shinou knows, he learned from the Great Sage,' you don't mean...tricks in bed, do you?"

Conrad stared at Yuuri for a moment.

"...maybe you should talk to them about that."

&&&

Gunter was still scarred by Gwendle's earlier threat. The last thing Gunter wanted was an STD. What would Yuuri think if he were to find out?

As Gunter walked the halls, still in search of Yuuri, he saw Cheri walking past.

If it had been the first time you'd seen her, you'd wonder way she was carrying around two giant melons on her chest. Gunter knew better.

She stopped. "Gunter, have you seen Gwen anywhere?"

Gunter gasped. "H-he's in his office. When you see him, tell him that you don't know anything."

Cheri blinked. "That..._I _don't know anything?"

"Ah! It might already be too late! Heika! Heika!" Gunter cried, feeling the urge to shout Yuuri's name when in a panic, running off.

Cheri laughed. "I want Gunter's babies."

&&&

"What were you doing in that bath with my older brother?!" Wolfram followed Yuuri down the hall.

"Talking about Murata."

Wolfram gasped. "You get naked with my brother and then you two talk about another man?!"

Yuuri was chased into the bedroom before he spoke. "We were hot after playing baseball!"

This only made things worse. "So playing baseball with an older man gets you hot, is that it?"

Yuuri blushed. "N-no...!"

Wolfram chased him to the bed.

"Adulterous leech!" He cried, tackling Yuuri to the mattress.

Yuuri screamed, "Sexual assault!"

Wolfram grabbed a pillow and started to violently pound his fiancée with it.

"Heika! Heika!" Gunter, who was know running towards the couple's bedroom, was not heard over Yuuri's cries.

"Oh! Wolfram! Stop it! Aahh! It's hurting me!"

"I'll do it harder, then!!"

Gunter over heard, and he froze. '_I-it couldn't be...Heika is giving himself away to someone other than me...?_'

That was the start of Gunter's mental breakdown. "HEEEEEIKAAAA." He cried, now running, at full speed, down the long hallway.

"Gunter?" Yuuri looked over to the door and saw Gunter run passed, a stream of tears and angst following.

"G-Gunter!" Yuuri cried. He shot up, which caused his head to crash into Wolfram's.

"F**k!" They both cried before falling unconscious.

&&&

"_I know nothing."_

Those had been the only words Gwendle needed to hear from his mother. He knew Gunter would slip up. He knew it. He should have castrated him while he had the chance.

He had planned to ask his mother to seduce Gunter and then infect him with an STD, but he then realized Gunter was too gay to be seduced by a woman, even one with triple D's.

So he needed to come up with another plan. His new plan was to somehow get Annissina to use Gunter in a some crazy-ass experiment and hopefully kill him.

He was scouting the castle grounds when he saw, outside, Gunter, hanging from a tree...by a rope.

"Son of a bitch." Gwendle walked, for he never ran, over to the limp body.

It swayed in the light breeze, but it didn't do anything else.

Gwendle was horrified. Gunter was a little unstable at times, but to go this far?!

"Aaaah...." The body said.

Gwendle's eyes would have widened, had they not been permanently stuck in the same position since he was first born.

Yes. His face came out looking as it currently does. Wrinkles included.

"Gunter, what the hell is this?" Gwendle's voice was of it's usual '_I will cut you_' tone.

"H-Heik-ka...v-virgin-ity....g-gone..."

Gwendle used a sword to cut the rope, and Gunter fell to the ground with a thud.

"Gunter, you're 327 and you just recently lost your virginity?"

"No!" The poor, although virgin, man cried. "Heika lost it!! Heeeikaaa!"

"...to who?"

"Your brother!"

"Conrad, you sly bastard..."

"The other one!"

"Well, dayum."

Gunter started sobbing. "It was rough!"

Although Gunter hadn't even seen anything, as soon as he heard Yuuri's supposed cries of pleasure, he had started imagining hot, erotic Yuuram sex that could out-gay the fantasies of any fangirl.

"Who was on top?"

"W-wolfram..."

…

"You're shitting me."

&&&

"Come in," Gwendle said, hiding the last of his mutated, knit animals, once he was back in his office.

"Hiii, Gwendle~!" Greta sang as she walked in through the door.

Gwendle blushed. "Hello, Greta."

"I saw you talking to Gunter today and you looked sad!"

"My face always looks like this."

"Aww! Does Gwendle need a hug?"

"...Yes."

"Teeheehee~" Gretta jumped on him.

Gwendle's face turned crimson. "Greta, shut the door. I have something nice to show you."

Greta smiled. "Oh! You mean Mr. Wormy? The one that's on your lap all the time? He's so fun!!"

"It's not a worm....It's a rooster."

&&&

When Yuuri's eyes opened, he was looking up at Ken and Conrad.

"Shibuya, I knew you were into some pretty weird shit, but this?"

"Murata, what are you talking...?" Yuuri sat up.

He was wearing a dress.

"How did this get on? Did Gunter dress me in girl clothes while I was sleeping again?!"

Next to him, Wolfram had only just woken as well, and was also wearing a dress, and it wasn't the baseball dress.

"What a bitch."

"Eh? Yuuri, did you say something?" Wolfram asked.

"Murata, what happened?" Yuuri asked, ignoring Wolfram.

"Rumors has it that you two dressed in drag, engaged in physical intimacy on your bed, re-dressed yourselves in drag and then passed out."

Yuuri couldn't believe this. "No, no, no! I didn't pass out like this!"

"Shibuya, I don't mind, really."

"...Murata, that's exactly what I _didn't_ want you to say."

Wolfram got up and twirled around. "This feels kind of nice! Maybe I should dress like this more often. W-would you like that, Yuuri?"

"It makes your ass look big." Yuuri whispered.

"What was that?"

"Wolfram, you have a fat ass," Conrad said.

"You WHORE," Wolfram growled.

"At least I dont have buttsex in drag."

"At least I don't jack off with my sword." Wolfram retorted.

"Touché."

"What the hell, Conrad?!" Yuuri gasped. "Let's just stop! I can only tolerate so much gayness in one day and Gunter used a lot of it up already!" Yuuri cried.

"He said that my ass looked big!!" Wolfram growled.

"Fat," Conrad corrected.

"I am going to paint the worst picture of you and show everyone!"

"I'll do my business with your sword instead of mine."

"SEIBAI!" Yuuri intervened. Conrad and Wolfram were sent flying out the window.

"That dress actually did make his ass look fat." Ken said casually, listening for the thud as the two brothers crashed to the ground.

"It's raining men!" They heard Cheri cry happily from below.

It was dark. She was lonely. Two attractive men had just fallen from the sky. You do the math.

Ken and Yuuri tried to ignore the cries of terror.

"Oh!" Yuuri said, suddenly remembering something. "Murata, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

&&&

_MEANWHILE, somewhere in the land of Gay Happy Rainbows—I mean, Small Shimaron..._

Sara splashed around in his bubble bath.

Belias watched.

"Ah~ Wash me, Belias."

"Heika...I really don't think we should. We're related."

"Well, then join me as I swim merrily about the bubbles!"

"Stop smoking weed."

"What?"

"I think I'll stay right over here and just watch."

"Come Belias, come!"

"Not now, Heika."

"Oh well." Sara smiled. "More bubbles for me. Teeheehee~"

Silence gripped them for a good, long time.

….

…

…

"I jizz right in my pants every time you're next to me..." Sara started singing in a quiet voice. "And when we're holding hands it's like saving sex to me..."

Belias sang along, "You say I'm premature; I just go in ecstasy."

"...Belias, don't sing."

He continued anyway, "...I..wear a rubber at all times it's...a necessity..."

...

"You ruined it, you dumb shit."

* * *

{{ If people like this, I'll write more. So if you like this, please write a review or favorite me or write me or something so I can decide if I should continue. Thanks. }}

Fanfiction © Me

Characters © Tomo Takabayashi


	2. Scarred for Life

**Author's Nonsense;** It's Saturday night. I'm full of crack, bby. D; Who the hell spends Saturday night writing fanfictions? Anyway, I only got one review, and hardly anyone sent me a message about the story. Yall be trippin'. Srsly. Oh well. If people won't say anything, I can't force them to speak. But you do realize that feedback is what keeps me inspired to write? If no one says anything, I'll think that my story sucks. But, oh well. :3 I'll just continue writing for the hell of it.

**Warnings in the first chapter still pertain to this chapter, as it will for all other chapters.**

* * *

"So, yeah, we've been trying to turn Ulrike into a lesbian for the past 800 years. Why do you think we've only let _women_ work at the temple?" Ken explained.

"W-why would you want to turn her into...?" Yuuri couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Because we hate her," Shinou said.

"Nooo, that's not quite it. It's because we wanted her to stop asking us to 'give it to her'. Besides, she was interfering with our relationship."

"The bitch can burn!"

Yuuri wasn't sure what to think of this conversation, which went from Shinou and Ken's romantic relationship to their dramatic attempts to change Ulrike's sexuality.

"Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah...one time, Shinou wanted to be on top, but I told him that he was too much of a bitch for that. I gave in, and you know what he did? He shoved a giant rock all the way up my ass."

"You loved it, bitch."

Yuuri wish he could have unheard all of that, but nothing would have been able to erase the complete, utter gayness that was coming from Ken and Shinou.

"Shinou, I only orgasmed twenty times. Usually I reach about forty seven."

"You f-ckin' loved it."

"Another time," Ken went on, "he used a baseball bat."

"B-baseball bat?" Yuuri felt an almost instant erection.

"Yuuri, is that a pen in your pocket?" Shinou asked, noticing.

"It's much to small to be his peenie." Ken added.

Yuuri blushed and covered his ickle boner with a hand, "Well, your's can't be much bigger!"

Shinou and Ken looked at each for a moment, smiling.

When they looked back to Yuuri, they dropped their pants.

Yuuri would never be the same again.

**&&&&&&&&**

"Take Wolfram, he's been inside of Yuuri!" Conrad threw his youngest brother at their mother, who was still in a blind man-craze.

"Fiend----!" Wolfram cried as his mother ran towards him.

Conrad fled.

"Oooh! Yuu-kins~~ touch me! Touch me!" Cheri laughed.

Wolfram thought he was going to be sick.

"Hahaue! Have you been drinking?!"

"I intend to make babies with every man in Shin Makoku—and beyond!!"

"Slut!" Wolfram gasped, pushing his mother away when she was close enough.

Unfortunately, her boobage was too large and served some sort of balloons, causing Wolfram to fly through a window on the other side of the castle.

**&&&&&&&&**

Yuuri frantically ran about the castle, trying to get the images of Ken and Shinou out of his mind.

He figured that Gwendle was one of the only safe persons to talk with, so he ran to the office.

"Gwendle!" He cried, throwing the doors open.

…

…

…

Gwendle stared at Yuuri and Yuuri stared back, pure terror in both their eyes.

"...GRETA!" Yuuri cried. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Greta looked back to her 'father.'

She smiled. "I'm just blowing on the wormy!"

"Rooster," Gwendle corrected.

"That's no worm!" Yuuri cried, his voice stricken with complete terror. "Get off of him! Stop licking that!!"

Before Greta could protest, Yuuri grabbed her and ran off, his eyes bleeding as he did so.

Gwendle sat there, frozen.

Minutes passed.

"The gold panties were for nothing! All the thongs, wasted! All the lubrication and tricks I've read about; never will I be able to put them to use!"

Gwendle could hear Gunter bitching from down the hall.

Gunter made his way into Gwendle's office, his complaints continuing. "Oooh...Heika...why chose him? What does he have that I dont, besides a young, hot body, a finely toned booty, beautiful golden hair and your hand in marriage?!"

Gunter collapsed by Gwendle's desk.

"Gunter...shut the hell up."

The poor man looked up at his serious comrade. "G-Gwendle...d-do you want to get high?"

"Hell yeah."

**&&&&&&&&**

"Heika, you've been soaking in that bath for the past four hours."

"Hush, Belias! I'm trying to become squeaky clean!"

"I'm sure you're clean enou--"

"Like a little mousy!!"

"...if you insist."

"Perhaps I would have gotten out of here before now if you had just washed me!"

"Heika, I told you, we're related and it just wouldn't feel right."

".......you spin me right round, baby, right round..."

"For the love of shit, Sara, stop singing."

Sara let out a dreamy sigh and looked through the window, "I want to sleep with Yuuri."

"Excuse me?"

"Eh?" Sara turned to Belias.

"Did you just say that you wanted to sleep with Maou-Heika?"

"No, I said that I wanted to _see_ Yuuri."

Just then, Jenus appeared, fully clothed, in the bath.

Sara and Belias gasped.

"Pedophile!" Sara screamed, diving underwater.

Belias grabbed his twin blades. "I thought you were dead."

Jenus looked at him. "No, I just used too much Kira and kind of disappeared. That's definitely not the same thing as dying."

"Stop trying to be a smart ass. I know you've schemed something horrible."

"Yes, yes I have. I plan to kill the Great Sage and finally get the chance to see Shinou."

"Why do you want to see Shinou so badly?"

"What? No, I said that I wanted to _sleep_ with him."

"Get the hell out of Sara's bath."

"But it feels really nice," Jenus whined. "I love bubble baths."

"Yeah...me too..." Belias said with a blush.

"I remember how I used to steal your sister's shampoo."

"No wonder your hair looks so fabulous."

Jenus blushed. "You mean it?"

"Of course. Right now, I use this scent called Ocean Breeze or something."

"That can't do. Whoever decided that hair should smell like the ocean was a dip shit. You've got to go with the fruits."

"Fruits?"

"Correct. My hair always smells like a giant, blackberry smoothie." Jenus then hummed, "Hmm..."

"What?"

"You seem like a peach kind of guy."

Belias was shocked, "Peaches are my favorite! How did you know that?"

"I could tell just by looking at you. You're all round and fuzzy."

"....No."

Jenus cleared his throat. "Right, right...So, anyway, I plan to kill Daikenja."

"Sounds super."

"It will be."

"Mhmmm."

"Yep."

"Alrighty."

"Okie doky."

"..."

"..."

"....Sara is still underwater, isn't he?"

**&&&&&&&&**

"Greta, you are so grounded!" Yuuri continued to ran frantically about the castle, now with Greta in his arms.

"But the wormy was nice to me! He twitched! Heehee!"

"That wasn't a worm! That was Gwendle!"

Greta smiled. "I know, it was Gwendle's pet wormy."

"No, you're not understanding!"

Yuuri then bumped into the hard, masculine frame of Yozak and fell crashing to the floor.

Yozak, dressed in drag, turned around and smiled, "Bocchan!" His breasts, which were even larger than Cheri's, bounced.

"She's probably forcing him into submission as we speak. I tried to save him, but I just couldn't. If Mother gets pregnant again, and Wolfram ends up being the father, their child is not only going to have AIDS, but probably a mental disorder as well," Conrad said, going on with the conversation he was having earlier. "Oh, Yuuri, I didn't see you there."

Yuuri's head was spinning. First Ken and Shinou, then Gwendle and Greta, and now this?!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on?!"

Yozak shook his head. "Your fiancée is being sexually assaulted by his mother. If it's Cheri we're talking about, who knows what will happen?"

Just then, they heard a long, steadily approaching cry coming from outside.

A few seconds later, Wolfram flew in through the closest window and crashed right into Yuuri.

They both flew until they landed into a near wall.

"Heika!" Conrad and Yozak exclaimed.

"Daddies!" Greata cried.

When the dust cleared, Yuuri and his fiancée, who were both still dressed in drag, were lying on the floor, motionless.

"Wolfram killed the Maou...what a bastard." Conrad hissed.

"C-Conrad..." Yuuri uttered.

"Yuuri!" Conrad walked over to the dying body of his king.

"T-tell Sara...tell Sara that I...l-loved him..."

Wolfram, who was in the same state as Yuuri only seconds ago, jumped up.

"What the hell was _that_?"

Yuuri gasped. "I-I mean...t-tell Wolfram that...that I--"

It was too late. Wolfram already whipped out his sword and began beating Yuuri with the dull side.

Before he bled to death, Yuuri cried, "SEIBAI!"

A blue energy force surrounded him and caused everyone to fly back. It also brought that whole entire wing of the castle crumbling down.

**&&&&&&&&**

On the other side of Blood Pledge, safe and sound were Gunter and Gwendle, getting high off of happy fumes, once again.

"Gwen baby, d-did you heeear that?" Gunter laughed.

"Freakin' Annisina probably explodeded the castle again! Teehee!"

Gunter busted out laughing, and Gwendle followed suit.

"Stupid Annisina!" Gunter giggled.

"Yeah, but girl's got a donk!"

"A what?"

"A butt!" Gwendle blushed.

"Gwenny-poo...do I have a donk?!"

"Haha!"

"Do I?"

"Heehee!"

"Do I?!"

"Yeah!"

Gunter blushed and let out a giggle. "Heika has a donk..."

"Greta's got a donk...."

"Do yooooou think Heika-baby would love meeee?" Gunter started fantasizing.

"Nah, bitch, nah."

"Whut?"

"Gunter, l-let's play house with my stuffed animals."

"I-I want to beeee the moooooooommmmyyyy!!!" Gunter called excitedly.

Gwendle laughed, "I hate my fathurrrrr."

"My father was gaaaaay!" Gunter stated proudly.

"Does that mean that _you're_ gay?"

They both stared at each other for a good, long time with nothing but silence.

"...yeah."

They busted out in laughter.

Somewhere in Albania, the roflcopter took flight.

**&&&&&&&&**

Cheri roamed the caste grounds, enjoying the night air.

She somehow managed to find her way to Shinou's temple.

'_I must be able to get something here!_' She thought. '_Shinou must like women! He's surrounded by them at all times!_'

Because all the priestesses were enjoying a game of strip poker at a local bar in town, Cheri easily made it into the the temple.

She crept her way around, searching for the room with the forbidden boxes a.k.a _Shinou's Sassy Lounge_.

She saw the door up ahead.

"_UHNG! Oh! Give it to me! Give it to me!!" _

She heard the faint voice cry from behind the door. Cheri wondered what was going on.

"_Ugh...oh! Ahh!! OH YES! Yess!!!" _

It got louder as she got closer.

"_Oh god. OH GOD! Baby, push it! Harder! Faster! Aaah!!!"_

Grunting and gasping followed.

Cheri ran to the door. People were definitely having sex in there!

"Let me join!" She cried, throwing the doors open.

What she saw would scar her for life...

She froze, horror stricken.

Ken and Shinou stared back at her, pretty much feeling the same exact thing.

…........

"Shinou, I thought I told you to lock the door."


	3. Pain & Explosions & Gayness

**Author's nonsense:** I honestly have nothing cool to say, so I'll quote a song.  
"& I can show ya how to hump without makin' love; the way you look at me, I can tell that you're a freak." Idk. It was something, at least.

I didn't notice it until recently, but Jenus or whatever the hell his name is is kinda sexy lookin'. MMMMNNN. I would tap that. I would srsly tap his fine little ass.

This is going to be short because I'm pressed for time. Waah. D:

I**'d like to apologize to people who have read this chapter before I got to edit it**. I didn't know the stupid Document Manager would screw up my formatting. *sigh* Anyway, it's fixed now so yei.

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Jenus and Belias searched the bath and the entire castle for nearly four hours. There was no sign of Sara, anywhere.

Now they were double checking the bathtub.

"Maybe he got sucked into a black hole, and was taken to Earth," Belias suggested from in the bathtub.

"Why the hell would Earth want _him_?"

"Earth loves gay men."

"Let's fuckin' go to Earth!"

Suddenly, something jumped on Belias's back and screamed, "Surprise buttsex!!"

Belias screamed and the predator, which happened to be Sara, hopped off, giggling.

"Heika!" Belias shouted, spinning around to face Sara. "Where have you been?!"

"In yo ass, stealin' yo virginity."

"Lol! Earth should have kept him!" Jenus laughed.

"...I'm not a virgin," Belias replied, blushing.

"Bullshit!" Jenus scoffed.

"It's okay Belias!" Sara smiled innocently. "I will fix all things for you! I'm your magical fairy godmother!"

"Relatives shouldn't have sex!" Belias cried.

"That's never stopped me before," Both Sara and Jenus said in unison.

"...Jenus, I want you out of King Saralegui's castle now!"

"Yeah, that's what he said."

"I said nothing of that sort!' Sara pouted.

"That didn't even make sense, Jenus!" Belias was getting annoyed.

"I don't want to hang out with you anyway. I'm going home to my fruity shampoos!" Jenus huffed and folded his arms.

"Weren't you going to sexual attack Shinou?" Belias asked.

"Oh, yeah!" Jenus smiled. "Thank you, Sir Fuzzy Peach."

"Fuzzy Peach?!" Belias seethed.

Jenus poofed before Belias could castrate him.

Sara gasped. "You're finally in the bath! Wash your grandmother! Wash me!"

Belias let out a sigh.

"I think I'll sing a song to celebrate!" Sara hopped up and down.

"No!!"

"Let's get freaky now! Let's get fawkin' freaky now!"

"Stop it! I do _not_ want to get freaky with you!"

"Yes you do. You know you do. You love me, Belias. You love my sparkley fairy wings. You love my grandmother breasts, you love my--"

Belias dunked Sara's head underwater.

"This time, don't come up!"

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Guner and Gwendle heard the castle crumble all the way from the other side. They scrambled to the window. After failing to stand thrice, they crawled over to it.

"Ooooooh m-m-my!" Gunter laughed.

"Well oh golly gosh, Batman!" Gwendle gasped.

"Did Yuuri have an orgasm or sumfin?!"

Gwendle narrowed his eyes. "The bastard. He would be the one to 'gasm and bring down the whole damn castle! Wolfram...you're a good one."

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Let me join you!" Cheri screamed drunkenly as she took off in a hot pursuit of Ken and Shinou, who had stopped having sex and were now running around the temple.

"Do something!" Shinou cried.

"I can't do shit!" Ken cried back, Cheri tailing him.

"Oh~~~ Geika! You have such a cute little ass!" She giggled.

"But you're the Great Sage, you funny bitch!" Shinou dove behind a Forbidden Box.

"I know, _I can't do shit!_" Ken jumped inside of a box.

"You can't do _that_!" Shinou hissed.

But it was too late. Before anybody could stop it, the whole temple blew up in an explosion of gayness and rainbows and kittens and sunshine and pink fluffy clouds. Literally.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Yuuri, Conrad, Wolfram and Greta were all put into the castle's hospital and were recovering from the collapse of the tower that they were in.

The boys were put into the same room, with Yuuri and his fiancée sharing a bed.

They were all able to see the explosion from their window.

"What was that? Did Gunter have an orgasm?" Conrad laughed.

"He seems like the only who could create something that gay," Yuuri added.

"Besides Sara," Wolfram scoffed.

Yuuri sighed sadly. "Sara...I miss him...he smelled really good..."

"Yuuri, if my arms and legs and back and hips and neck weren't broken, I'd hurt you. Somehow."

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Cheri cried as she flew into the sky and got sucked into a black hole created by the gayness that was unleashed from the boxes.

Ken and Shinou went flying straight into Blood Pledge.

People on the ground were wondering why there were two naked men shooting through the sky.

"It's a sexual assault!' Someone said. "Someone is going to assault Maoh Heika!"

There was an uproar. The citizens of Shin Makoku prepared for war.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Is it just me, or do I see two naked guys coming right at us?" Conrad stared out the window.

Just then, Dorcas ran into the room. "SIRS," he shouted, because one time a javelin accidentally was plunged into his larynx, causing his voice box to have a permanent malfunction.

"Yeah?" Yuuri turned to him.

"SHINOU'S TEMPLE EXPLODED! AND, THE VILLAGERS ARE GETTING READY FOR WAR!"

"What the hell?!" The two brothers plus Yuuri gasped.

Suddenly, Ken and his gay lover flew through the window. Ken landed on Yuuri's face while Shinou landed on Conrad's bed.

Wolfram grimaced in pure horror. "Yuuri!!! Adulterous leech!! If I could move...!!"

Ken was unconscious and Yuuri couldn't move so the king was pretty much stuck with Ken's naked body on his face.

Conrad looked down at Shinou's package.

'I_ could get used to this_,' he thought.

Dorcas just stood there, blushing, staring. "SIRS. I THINK I HAVE A BONER."


	4. Attack of the Queers

**Author's rambling**; Hey guys. :3 Have you enjoyed this sad little story thus far? XD I hope so~

_This story will now contain Yuuri/Sara,_ but to those Yuuri/Wolfram lovers out there, I can assure you that Yuuri will not get with Sara, nor will he leave Wolfram. So don't freak out. Please. I support both pairings, but I'm loyal to Wolfram fandom, since he was my first favorite.

* * *

"Oh, God, Dorcas, you don't have to tell us every time you get hard!" Conrad rolled his eyes.

"SORRY SIR, BUT I THINK IT'S GETTING BIGGER."

Meanwhile, on the bed across from Conrad's, Yuuri was trying to get Ken off of him. "Murata!" The poor Maou cried. "Get off!"

"Adulterous leech!" Wolfram kept repeating in rage.

"Shibuya, I like it here."

Shinou gasped. "Now wait one second you funny bitch! You're _my_ boyfriend!"

Somehow, Yuuri managed to push Ken off. The Great sage landed on the floor.

"If I see one more gay guy, I will kill myself!" Yuuri cried.

Suddenly, with a poof of pink cloud, Sara appeared by Yuuri's bedside.

"Are you going to kill yourself now, or later?" Conrad asked.

"Oh, you're safe!" Sara smiled at Yuuri.

Wolfram almost exploded.

Yuuri blushed. "S-Sara!"

Sara dove into a tight hug. "After I drowned and was brought back to life though intense CPR, I saw the huge explosion and decided to check on my ickle Yuuri-kins~!"

"You are such a slut," Wolfram growled at both Yuuri and Sara.

Yuuri was just staring at Sara's girly and wishing more than anything that he could smell him again.

"Oh, I shall sing a song!" Sara threw his arms up in the air. "It's about my feeling for you, Yuuri."

"F-feelings?" Yuuri's blush deepened.

Sara cleared his throat and began, "I don't want anybody else~ When I think about you _I touch myself!_"

Yuuri had a nosebleed as he pictured that scene.

"That's it!" Wolfram shouted. He somehow managed to jump up.

After that, he tackled Sara and started punching the shit out of him.

"Wolfram!!" Yuuri cried. "Don't ruin his gorgeous face!"

Wolfram was too angry to hear so he continued on with his blind rage, poor Sara writhing around underneath him, trying to shield himself.

Everybody else just watched and laughed.

Just when things were about to turn very bloody, Jenaus appeared next to Conrad's bed.

He gasped. "I made it!"

"Get your silly ass out of my sight, you crazy fan boy!" Shinou demanded.

"Oh, Lord Shinou! Being insulted by you makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside!"

"Seriously, get the hell out!" Shinou persisted.

While Wolfram was distracted, Sara crawled out from under him and jumped on Yuuri bed. "Yuuri! Save me!"

Jenaus saw this and laughed. "It's that little queerbag!"

"Shut up, you!" Sara whimpered.

"You have to the count of five to leave," Ken threatened the raven haired intruder.

Dorcas, fearing that more violence would erupt, ran out of the room.

"Dorcas! What is in your pants?!" They heard Gisela cry from outside the door.

"One," Ken started to count, "two, four--I mean, three...seven...five!!"

Jenaus braced himself for the worst.

….

….

….

Nothing.

"Escape!" Ken cried while Jenaus was off guard. He and his four thousand year old boyfriend hopped off the beds and made a run for it.

"Shinou! Come back! I love you!" Jenuas took chase.

That left Wolfram, who was gasping and wheezing and laying on the floor, crippled, Sara, who was bleeding all over Yuuri, Yuuri, who was getting bled on and liking it, and Conrad, who was sad that Shinou left.

"Soo...how about them Yankees?" Conrad said.

"Ooh! I love baseball!" Yuuri said excitedly. He could feel the excitement in his pants.

"What's a Yankee, Yuuri? Is it a hip slang term?" Sara asked.

"M-must...kill...." Wolfram hissed from the floor.

"It's the best baseball team ever. How do I know they're the best? Everyone says they are. I just listen to whatever people say because I'm so damn naïve."

"Yuuri, I'm a girl," Sara lied.

"R-really? That's great! Let's get married! Make babies!"

"Fuck. You." Wolfram growled.

"Would you~?" Sara smiled.

Yuuri did feel kind of bad for Wolfram. After all, he had been Wolfram's fiancée for at least a hundred episodes and he didn't want to stop now.

"No, I shouldn't. I mean...it's not that I like Wolfram or anything," Yuuri turned and blushed, "it's just that I don't want to make him said or anything..."

Wolfram's eyes sparkled. "Y-Yuuri...you really mean that?"

"Of course, Wolfram! Even thought I'm not gay and even though there's no way in I'd ever have feelings for you, you're still my best friend. Before I met you, I had no real friends. Well, except for Murata, but he was a bitch so I don't count him."

Wolfram started to cry tears of joy.

Defeated, Sara shrugged and started to play with Yuuri's nipple.

"Freakin' pansies. The lot of you," Conrad scoffed.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Gwendle and Gunter were still in some far off room on the other side of the castle, getting high, or at least, consuming a drug of some sort.

"omg so like, Gwendle...yesterday...I was like...spying on Heika when he was..uh...changing and stuff?!"

Gwendle laughed. "I like kittens..."

"I-I-I like...cocks," Gunter said with a blush on his face.

Gwendle LOL'd. "You're such a homo."

Gunter giggled, "You're so pretty, Gweny-kins~"

"...Yeah. Totally."

Gunter rolled around on the ground. "Heika is so bootyful~"

"He got a donk."

"Oooh! Oooh! If you could be one animal....what would you be?" Gunter asked, rolling over on his stomach and resting his chin in his hands.

"Dolphin. Always the dolphin." Gwendle stared up at the ceiling.

"I want to be....a...birdie...so I can fly into Heika!"

"Birds can't fit in a butt hole, dumby."

Gunter let out a dreamy sigh. "I want to be a panda~"

"I made one...I named it Sir Edward XIII of Canada."

"Fabulous! Hey...I think...I think I want to buy the Jonas Borther's new CD."

"Gay."

Gunter giggled. "Stop it you meanie! ….What's that even mean...?"

Gwendle shrugged, "Hell if I know..."

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Shinou! King Shinou! Lord Shinou! Sexy sexilicious daddy!"

"What the fuck?" Ken and Shinou cried as they continued to run.

"If I wasn't useless...I would save you!" Ken shouted bravely.

Shinou blushed. "You'll always be my hero~"

The two stopped running and started to stare lovingly into each other's eyes.

Then they both dove into a hot, passionate kiss.

Jenaus felt extreme jealousy and started to cry.

Gisela was wondering why the hell two naked guys were making out in the hallway.

"MA'AM," Dorcas said from behind her. "MY BONER JUST CAME BACK."

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Ulrike was quite disturbed to find that Shinou's temple had destroyed. She had no idea how it happened, but she feared that the Original King and his Great Sage were dead. Frantic, there was only thing she had to do...

She had to masturbate like crazy. _Then_ go off and look for them.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Back in the medical room, Sara was done molesting Yuuri's chest and Wolfram was done crying. The two blond headed homos were now arguing over who Yuuri loved most.

While this was happening, Conrad was in deep thought. "Waltorana is related to Julia....and, he looks just like Julia. I was sexually attracted to Julia..so does this mean that I'm sexually attracted to Waltorana? But...Yuuri has Julia's soul, and I liked Julia's soul...so does this mean that I like Yuuri?"

"Did you know what Yuuri and I did? We ran off together and hid in a warm, dark closet. He got really close to me and confessed his love~"

Yuuri blushed. "It didn't happen like that! You dragged me off to some freakishly weird place with a bunch of dead bodies and you pulled me into a coffin...and I didn't confess my love, I just thought you looked really hot. And smelled good..."

Wolfram gasped. "You smelled him!"

"B-but! Wolfram, you smell good, too! After we take a bath together, I-I always like sleeping real close to you..."

"Really? I like sleeping close to you, too!"

"Is that why kick Greta off the bed every night?"

"Yeah."

"I gave Yuuri head!" Sara exclaimed.

Yuuri's face went mad red. "T-t-that's not true!"

"Let it be true! Let your fairy godmother grant your every wish!"

"...what the hell, Sara?"

"BIG NEWS!" For the second time that day, Dorcas busted through the doors. "THE VILLAGERS ARE RAIDING THE CASTLE!"

Yuuri gasped. "W-what! N-now? Why?!"

"Yes, I think I'm going to invite Waltorana to dinner and then do him mercilessly. Maybe then I'll find out if I am sexually attracted to him or not," Conrad said randomly.

"....SIR, I HAVE A--" Dorcas started.

"We know!" Everyone cried.

Sara looked to the excited man, "I know. I know everything. I know everything about you, Dorcas. I'm your fairy fuckin' godmother."


	5. A Bunch of Crazy Shit

**Author's rambling**; THIS RANT OF SORTS CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS. DONT READ UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN THE LAST FEW EPISODES OF KKM, OR IF YOU LIKE SPOILERS. Alright, now, I saw the ending and I have to say, it wasn't great. It wasn't gay. It wasn't cute. It wasn't hot. They better have a fourth season or I'll be pissed forever about this. I mean, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't satisfying! D:

On another note, I _love_ how they made Shinou and Ken look like the bad guys. I _love _how Yuuri back sassed Shinou like Shinou wasn't the **Original King** or anything. I _love_ how Yuuri is supposedly more powerful than Shinou. If you didn't catch on, I was being sarcastic.

Don't get me wrong, I love this series, and I love Yuuri, but they really didn't write this anime out too well, in my opinion. __ But, it's a great anime, regardless. I mean, really. I love it. 3

I made an important discovery about Shori when I watched the last few episodes, by the way. ;D

( btw again, I wanted Azalon to die. D: )

**Excuse my mix up last chapter. The website I was looking at confused me and I thought Julia's brother was named Waltrona or whatever. I'm seriously terrible with names of minor characters, so yeah. I made a fuck up. But hey, I fixed it and um. Yeah. Please pretend like it never happened. xD Thanks.**

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Sho-chan are you up there masturbating again?" Mrs. Shibuya called from down the stairs. "We can hear you all through out the house!"

"Unnfff...!" Shori pulled his hand out of his pants he finished up his dating sim. He really started to wonder why the chick he was having sex with looked exactly like Wolfram. Or maybe Wolfram looked exactly like her. Hmm....

There was something bothering Shori, however.

Turning off his erotic video game and making sure to hide it in a safe place so his father wouldn't steal it and use it, like he had last time, he ran downstairs to the bathroom.

The tub was always filled with water so Yuuri's mother could mindlessly sit there and wait for her son and his gay friend to magically appear. And then she'd watch while they took their clothes off but that was a different story...

"I must go to Shin Makoku..." Shori told himself. "I have to tell Jenaus how I truly feel!" and the he dove into the water.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

To be fair, Yuuri decided to spend half the day with Wolfram and half the day with Sara. Wolfram threatened to cancel Yuuri's baseball channel subscription if Yuuri didn't pick him first. Yuuri had to comply.

And while Yuuri went about dating men, Conrad and Dorcas were the only ones left to take care of the rebellion problems since Shinou and Ken were making out in the hallway and Gunter and Gwendle were getting high.

"SIR, WHAT SHALL WE DO?" Dorcas asked Conrad.

"Let's kill them all."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. We're going to take a bunch of huge ass rock and start stoning them to death.

"SIR! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?" Dorcas was shocked.

"If you're not a main character, you're not important."

"AM I A MAIN CHARACTER?"

"No. You're a minor character. The Great Sage should be a minor character too because he can't do shit...until the last episodes, but even then he pretty much failed."

"SPOILERS, SIR!"

"Anyway, main characters and minor characters are the only ones with the right to live. So like I was saying, let's kill everyone else."

"WE CANT! THE MAOH WOULDN'T LIKE THAT."

"Fine. Do what you want. Mobilize troops, whatever. I'm off to discover my sexuality." With that, Conrad hopped off the bed and started walking to the door.

His arm fell off.

"Son of a bitch..." he sighed.

"HOLY SHIT! YOUR ARM JUST FELL OFF." Dorcas gasped.

"Yes, I know that." Conrad picked it up. "Don't worry about it. Happens all the time. I just gotta snap it back on."

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"I'm so glad you picked me first instead o that crazy shemale," Wolfram said, clinging to Yuuri.

Sara gasped. "I am not a shemale! I am a man! I am epitome of manly manness! You can't handle my masculinity! I'm you fairy-fuckin-godmother!"

Neither Yuuri or Wolfram knew how to react to that.

"Bullshit..." Wolfram scoffed.

"S-Sara, stop saying that. You're not a girl, and you're not my fairy godmother!" Yuuri was scared.

"I'm pretty enough to be one. You said so! You said I was prettier than Wolfram!"

Wolfram gasped. "He wouldn't say that! Everybody knows I'm the prettiest bishonen in this show!"

"H-how did you know that, Sara? I never said that...I just t-though it...." Yuuri blushed from embarrassment.

Wolfram growled.

Sara just smiled. "I can read your mind."

Yuuri gasped. '_Oh no...he can read my mind! He probably knows that like to imagine him having sex with Wolfram! He probably knows that I'm confused about my sexuality! He probably knows that I get horny while watching baseball! He probably knows that I almost thought about sending Greta to an orphanage! Oh my god!!_'

Yuuri's breathing became heavy. He made a frantic sprint for the door, pulling Wolfram with him. "I'm sorry Sara! There are just some things I need to hide!!" He ran out of the door.

"I...I was just kidding...." Sara whimpered, now alone.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Holy freakin' shit!" Shori cried, gawking at the scene before him.

Shinou's temple was completely destroyed. It lay in ruin. All the temple priestesses were crying in a circle.

"Shori!" Ulrike called, running up to the older Shibuya.

"What the hell happened?!"

Ulrike wore a frown. "I...I don't know. I fear that Shinou Heika and the Great Sage might be dead."

"Thank God."

"W-what?"

Shori shook his head. "Nothing. Well, I need to find somebody, so have a nice day."

"W-what? That's it?"

Shori blinked. "I have nothing else to tell you..."

"Sleep with me!"

"W-what! Never!" He cried, running off.

Ulrike started to weep.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Just they have been ever since the first chapter, Gwndle and Gunter were high.

"Heeeeey, Gwendle~" Gunter started.

"Whut."

"Are you gay?"

Gwnedle laughed.

"W-well are youuuuu?"

"I swing...four ways."

"Four!" Gunter gasped.

"For uh....girls...guys...little kids...animals..."

"Animals!!"

"Yee. Like dolphinz. E'vr since Heika gived me a Bandou charm, I been interested in dolphins~"

"Heika have you a charm?! No fair! I want one!!"

"No! It's mine!" Gwnendle hissed.

"B-but Gweny-kins!!"

"Heika is such a babe." Gwendle sighed dreamily.

"Ooo! He is he is! So cute and fluffy and soft and squishy and delicious and warm~~~"

"Conrad is a babe too."

Gunter gasped, "but he's your brother!"

"Shawty lookin' good when I come in the club. Shawty got a tight ass, ladies give me love," Gwendle started to rap.

"Hey Gwen baby cakes, l-Le'ts have a gaaaaaaaAAaaaaAaaaaAAaaay day!"

Gwendle snickered. "Whut?"

"Gay day, you silly!"

"Let's have a gay parade," Gwendle suggested. "I'll make a gigantic floating Bearbee. Beebear. Whatever the hell it is."

"And I'll make a giant floating penis!!"

Gwendle stared at Gunter. "Just...no."

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Wolfram decided to lock Sara in the closet.

"I'm only trying to protect you, Yuuri," he explained to his worried fiancée.

"Sara isn't a bad guy!" Yuuri whined.

"He's a horrible, freaky pervert who thinks he's a fairy godmother. That's enough to lock anybody up!"

Yuuri frowned. "Well...alright..."

"HEIKA!" Dorcas cried, running into the room. "WE NEED YOU AT THE THRONE IMMEDIANTLY. THE VILLAGERS HAVE GATHERED THERE AND ARE WANTING TO SEE YOU."

"Aw....I guess we have to cancel our date..." Yuuri said with feigned sadness.

"W-what!"

Before Wolfram could protest or do anything about it, Yuur ran out of the room.

"Yuuri!!" Wolfram cried. "Leech! Wimp! Asshole!"

From inside the closet, Sara whined, "Can I come out?"

"Shut the fuck up!"

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

"Somebody please tell me what's going on!" Yuuri asked the angry mob of villagers.

One old man stepped out from the crowed and bowed. "Maou Heika, we are very glad to see that you are safe!"

"S-safe? From what?"

"The sex offenders that we saw flying towards the castle earlier!"

"Sex offenders?!" Yuuri cried.

Yuuri pretty much lived with sex offenders every day of his life. There was Wolfram, who liked to feel Yuuri up in bed (Yuuri didn't mind), Gunter who tried to molest Yuuri at all times and do various other things like steal his underwear and watch him bathe, then Gwendle, who had a thing for Greta.

But which one of them could fly?

"I'm sure it was nothing," Yuuri tried to assure his people. "I mean, I'm safe. You're safe. I think we should all just relax and plant some trees because everybody knows that trees bring peace, and if there's one thing I like almost as much as I like justice, it's peace."

The villagers didn't know what to do. They had been so ready to kill the two mysterious, naked men that they had seen earlier.

"Maou Heika, if anyone ever tries to sexual assault you, let us know!"

The mob roared. "Yeah! We don't tolerate that!"

"We'll stab 'em to death!"

"Nobody has the right to touch our king other than his fiancée!"

Yuuri was getting nervous. "Ahaha...yeah. Okay, you guys go on home now."

With that, the villagers shuffled out of the throne room.

Not too long after the mob was gone, Gwendle and Gunter, who were not high anymore, ran though the doors.

"Heika!" Gunter cried. "Why is there an angry mob marching around the castle, chanting 'S_ave our King!_' and, '_Sexual violence is wrong!_'?"

"D-don't worry about it..."

Gunter shrugged. "Well, anywho~ Gwendle and I have a proposition!"

"Proposition? Shouldn't we talk to the...uh, those freaky Noble guys?"

"Annissina's brother is a babe," Gwendle commented.

"I dont see a need to. You're the Maou, after all! Everyone should kiss your ass and do whatever you tell us to do!"

"True," Yuuri agreed. "So what did you want?"

"Gwendle and I decided that it would be great if we could make every Friday be Gay Friday! Every Friday, we would all be as gay as we want~"

Yuuri twitched. "G-gay Friday?" He stood, "You know what? We don't need a Gay Firday! You guys act like such crazy homosexuals every day!!" Yuuri was losing his cool.

"He's right," Wolfram nodded.

"Got a point," Gwendle muttered.

Gunter beamed. "So _everyday_ will be Gay Day?"

"W-what? No, I mean...!" Yuuri sputtered.

Gunter danced around. "Yay~ Dance with me, Gwendle!"

"Can't. I have now officially decided I will go off and join a gang."

"What?!" Everyone gasped.

"It's the lifestyle I chose fro myself. Don't try to stop me."

"But Gwendle! Get a hold of yourself!"Yuuri exclaimed.

"I'm going to become a top gangster and control the Shin Makoku mafia."

"Gwendle baby!" Gunter cried. "You can't! You're all I have—besides Heika of course..."

"I'm out, yo. Peace." Gwendle walked for the door.

Gunter was about to chase after him when Yuuri stopped the lilac haired man.

"Gwendle should be able to do what he wants with his life. If it's running a mafia, it's running a mafia. Think about. Gwendle would never be happy if he stayed here with us. We want everybody to be happy ! Let Gwendle follow his dreams!"

Wolfram smiled. "Yuuri, you say the gayest things."

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

While walking around the castle, Shori spotted Ken and Shinou. Who were still naked.

"Holy freakin' shit!" Shori cried, shielding his eyes.

"Shibuya's older brother?" Ken stopped. "What are you doing here? Nobody likes you."

"I'm looking for Jenaus." Shori explained.

"How did you know that he came back to life?" Shinou asked.

"...what? He's alive? I was just gonna talk to his gravestone, but this is so much better!"

"You crazy bitch!" Shinou laughed.

"Shinou Heika!" They heard Jenaus, who had stopped crying and started to chase them again, shout from behind.

"Oh snap!" Shinou exclaimed. He and Ken quickly ran into a near door to the the left.

"Jenaus!" Shori gasped. "You really are alive! I'm so glad!"

Jenaus stopped in his tracks and stared at Shori. "Who the hell are you?"

"Y-you don't remember me?!"

"Nah. Say, do you like fruity shampoo?"

"W-what?"

Jenaus ran to the door that Shinou an Ken were hiding behind. He threw it open.

"Wait!" Shori cried, running over to him.

"What?" Jenaus looked back at him.

"I love you!!"

"Do not want!" Jeanus slammed the door in Shori's face.

"No! Jenaus! Don't do this to me!" Shori banged on the door.

From inside, he heard Ken and Shinou squealing with terror.

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

Sara certainly didn't like to be trapped in some random closet in some random hallway. It was dark and Yuuri was not with him, wanting to smell him. That made everything horrible.

"H-help? Anyone there? Yuuri? Belias? Crazy fiancée?"

It just so happened that the not so angry mob had been passing in the very hallway.

"I think someone is trapped in here!" An old lady exclaimed.

"Someone is! Your fairy--" Sara stopped talking because the fairy joke was getting old.

The villagers unlocked the closet and Sara hopped out. "Thank you. Do any of you know where Yuuri is?"

"Maou Heika? What business do you have with him?" One asked suspiciously.

"I came here to comfort him. We're going on a date later."

"Sexual healing!" Someone gasped.

Sara frowned, "I wish."

The mob roared.

"Hey, aren't you that gay king from Shou Shimaron?" One lady asked accusingly.

"W-what?" Sara backed up.

"He must be the sex offender we saw earlier!! Attack him! Beat him to the ground!"

"Oh my!!" Sara cried. He started to run.

The villagers chased after him, even though he looked nothing like Ken or Shinou.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Sara cried. "You can't hurt me! Fangirls love me!"

Sara had never been more wrong.


	6. Strip Team, Go!

"Sara was savagely beaten."

"Ahuh."

"Shori attempted suicide. We reached him in time, but we've…yet to clean up his mess…"

"Ahuh."

"The Great Sage and Shinou Heika killed Jenaus. That would be the second time, correct?"

"Ahuh. How did he die?"

"He blew up, Sir."

"Ahuh."

"Sir Von Bielefeld was sexually assaulted by himself."

"By…himself?"

"Yes…that's what the report said."

"Ahuh."

"Sir Weller took a trip to the Von Wincott's."

"Ahuh."

"It appears that Gwendle was sighted, this morning, 'thuggin' a small child for a petty amount of money."

"…Son of a bitch."

That's what Yuuri had awoken to; a distressed officer reporting about all the disturbing things that had gone on the night before/morning.

"Sir, if it makes you feel any better, you can fill out this paperwork while I and the other officers get things in order."

"Paperwork doesn't make me feel better!" Yuuri stood up in his throne. "It makes me feel like shit!"

"Maybe you should do what you do best; Keeping a positive outlook while pretending to be Captain Planet."

"That's right…" Yuuri sat back down. "I need to think _green_."

"Think clean!"

"Think like a crazy tree hugging machine!"

It took them a few seconds to realize the stupidity of what they had just said, and when they finally did, they both wanted to commit suicide.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Fangirls hate you! You stupid friggin' queer!" A middle aged woman kicked Sara, who was on the ground, dying, in the stomach. "We hate you too!"

"Come on folks, let's leave this slut to die." A gruff voice suggested and the angry mod of sex defenders walked off.

Sara started chocking on dust. "B…Belias…Be…Belias…"

"Yes, Heika?"

"W-where are you…B-Belias…?"

"In front of you."

"I don't see you…"

"Open your eyes."

"Oh…" Sara opened his eyes. "Belias…! Where were you…? I-I'm dying…!"

"I was watching the whole thing."

"R-remember that song that I used to sing…?"

"You've sung a lot of songs, Heika."

"It w-went like...._I've been d-denied…all the best u-ultra sex…_"

"Heika…"

"N-no…wasn't that one…maybe this one…_Finger bang bang…bang bang bang…!_"

"Really, Heika…"

"I know it n-now…! It's t-this…_I want to sex y-you up…! Boy , let me f-freak you out…!_"

"Heika, to be quite honest, you _are_ freaking me out. I don't enjoy it."

"Belias…Belias…listen close…if I d-die…I want everyone to know…know that I am the true ruler of this land…I have the Divine Sword…I…I have…I have a full bladder."

"…You aren't going to die, Sir."

"No..! Don't say it!" Sara cried.

"Don't say what?"

"Don't!! I said don't!!!"

"What the hell shouldn't I say?!" Belias gasped.

"Belias you fucktard!"

"You know what? Just die already."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gwendle slyly slipped into his secret hiding cave, composed entirely of tightly woven strings of yarn. Camouflaged yarn at that.

"The Feds…Those persistent, bitchy Feds," he grumbled, counting the stolen pennies that dropped from his pocket.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And that's why you can't go to Earth. You'll get fun of for having two daddies," Yuuri explained to his adopted daughter. Who knows; could have been his real one. Rumors had it that Wolfram had a uterus.

"That's ridiculous, Yuuri," Wolfram said while painting. He was still recovering from being sexually assaulted by himself.

"Yeah! It's perfectly normal to have two daddies!" Greta frowned. "Gunter taught me everything. He taught me that boys make babies and that when a man and man wrestle in bed, one bends over and sticks his booty up in the air—"

"Soiled! My child's mind is ruined!" Yuuri screamed.

Greta just smiled. "Gunter tells me stories about him! He says that he wants to wrestle with you, daddy!"

"He'll be dead!!" Wolfram growled.

"Who? Me or Gunter?" Yuuri knew what was coming next.

"I'll burn this whole world down. To the depths of Hell you all shall go."

"W-Wolfram?" Yuuri became uneasy.

"Adulterous leeches like you will rot in the inferno. Forever…and ever…and ever." Wolfram's voice became progressively more demonic sounding.

"What's wrong with Wolfram, Yuuri?" Greta squeaked.

"Possessed, but what's new?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinou smiled. "He've done it, my Sage~ We've finally killed the douche!"

"We've killed him before, though," Ken stared at the little bits of Jenaus, who recently exploded, that were left.

"Don't you go around correcting me you feisty bitch!" Shinou growled. "I will bite your head off!"

Ken gave a dreamy sigh. "I love it when you talk dirty to me."

"That's right, my delicious sex slave. Now, let's put some clothes on then get naked."

"You're plans are so logical and insightful, Shin-chan."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the early evening when Conrad and Julia's brother were seated at the dinner table for two.

"Sir Wincott, if you don't mind me asking…what's your name?"

"I don't know," the feminine blue haired male shrugged. "Just call me _Juli_ or something."

"It's a pleasure having dinner with you, Juli. Thank you for accepting me."

Juli lit some candles. "Of course, Sir Weller. My pleasure."

"Conrad. You can call me Conrad. Mmnnn..what scent are those candles?"

"Cinnamon Berry Cream Sex Jamboree With a Hint of German Wurst."

"I have that same one in my bedroom," Conrad smiled at Juli.

Juli smiled back. "Would you like to know what's for tonight's dinner?"

"Sure."

"Poisonous mushrooms with a tall glass of dry ice."

"Oh…" Conrad looked down. "I think…I think I'm going just eat some candles."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Father, what's wrong?" Gisela asked when she spotted Gunter crying in his bedroom.

"Oh…it's nothing!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Alright. Take care, Father. Call me if you need-"

"Well, I guess I have to tell you now!" Gunter blew his nose.

"Um…?"

"I'm so lonely now that Gwendle is gone!" Gunter let out a sob.

Gisela frowned. "There, there… I'm sure he'll be back."

"He's a felon! A felon! Capital punishment!"

"Ever other villain in this show has escaped beheading. Gwendle should be no different."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright, men…as soon as we catch this guy, the first thing we're gonna do is chop his_ freakin'_ head off!"

The Feds cheered at their leader's orders.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Shinou Heika!!! Your Eminence!! " Ulrike cried as she ran towards the two very scared young men.

"What do we do?" Ken whispered to Shinou.

"We choke a bitch," Shinou whispered back.

"Oh!! I was so worried!! After the temple blew up, I _almost_ had a heart attack."

"Damn," both boys hissed.

"Then I heard Jenaus was here! And Shori came as well! I thought maybe I had lost you two! Oh, but thank goodness that you're safe!" Ulrike looked happy enough to shit sunshine.

Ken and Shinou stared at her.

"Well? Let's hug!" She smiled.

"Alright, listen, bitch," Shinou said, getting testy and serious. "Let me tell it to you straight. We're fucking gay. Homosexuals. Queers. Do you want me to spell it out? Ho-mo-sex-ual. The Great Sage and I have been in this relationship for the past 400 years. You can't change us. Not one bit! So just move along!!"

Ulrike sniffled. "B-but…Every attractive guy in this world is gay!!! It's not fuckin' fair!! I hate it! I hate it all! Why can't you love me?! Why won't you touch me?! I have boobs! Guys are supposed to like things with boobs! GOD, HEIKA, YOU REALLY SUCK ASS."

Shinou and Ken were appalled! Where on earth did Ulrike get the nerve?

"Get out of my sights," Shinou growled.

"I will!" Ulrike screamed, running off.

Thus, Ulrike started her quest to find just a straight guy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Conrad, I didn't think you were serious about the candles…"

"I was dead-freakin-serious," said the brunette as he swallowed.

Juli took a sip of his dry ice. "This tastes much better, though~ Well, to each his own. So, what brought you to my humble, thirty story, 21345465 square foot mansion?

"Well, to be honest, I want to clear some things up."

"Oh?"

"Yes. My sexuality."

"Oh…?"

"I believe that I might be straight, gay, or bisexual. I think it's one of those three, might who knows?"

"…right. Well, I have just what you need," Juli smiled.

"You do?"

"I have a team of strippers ready for just the occasion. You see, I'm a professional sexuality psychologist."

"Wow."

"Yes. My team consists of males and females. Your sexuality is decided when you get a boner. If you get one looking at males, you're gay, females, you're straight, or both, you're a bisexual."

"That's such a deep, logical process but it seems to make so much sense!" Conrad was amazed.

"Yes!" Juli smiled. "Come out, my lovely strippers!" He called.

A velvet curtain in the back of the room disappeared and a group of men and women in bell dancer outfits came trotting out.

Conrad smiled as he looked at the beautiful people.

"You'll enjoy this," Juli asked.

"Oh, I'm sure I wi-" he came to a dead stop.

….

What the hell was _Yozak_ doing among them?


End file.
